The time is 3:30 am and I’ve been awake over an hour. This is not unusual; I’m getting used to it. So I went to the New York Times headlines to read the latest news and was intrigued by this new and improved way homeland security is handling perceived security risks. Apparently airport security has unlimited license to go ahead and fondle, tweak and grope anyone they choose, right there in front of the gawking crowds -all in the name of protecting America from terrorists. My advice to you, dear sisters, is when you go to the airport this holiday weekend, go ugly. It seems that attractiveness might set off security alarms at some check points.
Here are some tips to help you look your worse. Wear gray sweats one size too big if you’re on the svelte side and one size too small if you’ve got a few rolls. You want to look appropriately unattractive, but not too revolting. Wear a little makeup so you don’t look suspiciously depressed, but don’t overdo it or you may attract attention.
And if you prefer not to go ugly, I have some ideas to help preserve your dignity should you be selected for a fondle. You know those cherry red noses that honk when you squeeze them? Why not stuff a couple in your bra cups. Or install a musical card to the butt of your pants that croons : “Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby” when touched. Or (ooh, this is nasty) place a stink bomb where the sun simply never shines- just in case.
Remember when our mothers used to harp about clean underwear in case of a hospital emergency? Please remember her wisdom when choosing your travel outfit. Buy a brand new bra or wear a black one. You don’t want everyone seeing your graying straps. And if your breasts still hang above your naval, by all means, wear a push up. It will save security a little time and you’ll look mahvelous.
Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Travels!
From Viv’s Journal11/23/2004